So, I'm writing a story

Thoughts? (Paragraphs to follow. Hope you like reading Suckey material)

I finally had it. Finally. By breath was shaking from anticipation. Then he ran in front. He screwed it up. Thats why, we lost. Let me start from the beginning.

They loaded us into two drop ships, Pelicans, they?re normally called. Eight of us in each. I being tech savvy, was the pilot, and was also the team (squad if you prefer) leader. My girl, Amy, was 2nd in command on the other team. She was the only girl of the sixteen of us. And for some odd reason, she fell for the weakling. John, of course, was the other teams leader. ?Where to Greg?? I thought for a while. Then I remembered the downed covie ship. ?Just follow me. It?s not plotted, but it should do the trick.? I banked a hard left, and in just under an hour, we had arrived.
?I question your taste Greg.? ?Yeah? Well, deal with it. I?m in charge today. You had yesterday.? I did a quick assessment of the area, and I found my perch, and a secondary one if the need for it arose. This should be an easy win. ?John.? ?Hm?? ? Go scout a base and set up. My team will do the same.? We parted and trotted down the path. I found the ideal place. There seemed to be walls all over that place, but it turned out that you could only shoot through certain ones, so obviously we put markers there on our HUD?s. There was a second level, and it went to my secondary spot over in the main area. The team gathered around the center waiting for me. ?Ok team. Today is elimination.? Everyone cheered. It was our best event. ?Single elimination.? Everyone got quiet. This was the biggest test of skill we had. And everyone knew it. I hooked my thumb down. This was what activated our radios. Well, the part you talk into anyway. ?Guys, gear up. I?m meeting John in the center soon. Here are the rules. No rules.? More cheering. Nobody liked rules on my squad. Johns squad was totally different. ?Have fun, play hard, and remember the golden rule.? ?WIN!? everyone shouted in unison. I walked off to the center to meet John with a large amount of cheering behind me.

John was already at the center when I arrived. ?I take back what I said earlier. I like this place. You giving such a long speech gave me time to scout the entire place.? ?I do what I want with my squad. And honestly, I didn?t even know what this place looked like, but from what I?ve seen, it seems completely symmetrical. Almost like it was a chain-reactive overload of the slipspace drive.? ? I wouldn?t know. Thats your territory.? ?Yeah, it is. Well, we should probably get started. My guys are getting restless. They are ready to kick some faces in.? ?May the best team win.? We shook hands as tradition, and I added my little snap at the end. He looked at me funny, but I didn?t really care what he thought. I ran back to my camp, to see that everyone was armed to the teeth. I was the only one that wasn?t. I started the five minute timer and grabbed my rifle. My rifle had not been in service since 2012. They made a more accurate and quieter version. Thats not what I was going for. It was an M95. The most powerful rifle ever. I really liked it. Of course, I had customized it to a large extent. The firing chamber had been modified to increase the velocity of the bullet by fifty percent, and all of the bullets were armor piercing, with a high explosive coating. Of course for training, I had to use EMP dud rounds.

During training we didn?t want to kill each other, so we used EMP dud rounds I invented. Much better that stupid Stun rounds. They drained our shields, and after we had been hit by enough of them after our shields were gone, our suits would lock up, rendering us completely useless. I put my side arm on my hip, a vintage 2030 Desert Eagle 50 Cal handgun. My pride and joy. Only one minute left on the timer. I didn?t have much time. ?Team listen up.? My thumb was hooked down. ?This won?t be easy, I won?t lie to you. But we can do this. I know we can.?

The buzzer went off in our ears. I sprinted out of the room, and was just as soon peppered by enemy fire. I dogged left and hid behind a wall. I saw both our count and their count drop by two as an EMP grenade went off just four meters to my left. Six to six. ?Sick-spike, throw a nade through those doors!? ?Sir yes sir!? I watched as he hit another perfect target and took out two of their men with the grenade, and followed up by locking up another one before he went down. Three to five. Now it was going in my direction. I hopped up to the perch I saw earlier and aimed down my scope. The first thing I saw was John who immediately ran at our guys. I watched in horror as he slammed the first one into the ground, and used his body as a spring board to tackle another guy and take him out. Three to Three. Not looking so good. I aimed down my sights again, and I saw Amy. My heart leaped for a moment, but I quickly re-focused. I hooked my thumb up, which broadcasted on an open channel. ?By Amy. Love you.? She spun around and hit the dirt, but I was better than that. One shot, one person down. Two to Three. I didn?t see the grenade that was about to hit me before It was to late. I dodged it still, but it hit my guy and took him down. I flipped on my radio and said sorry, but I didn?t have much time to waste. John was coming in fast. I took down his other guy, who popped up from behind a wall very shortly, but enough for me to take him down. One to Two. This was in the bag. John seemed distraught, A momentary stand still. Thats all it took. I fired. But, I fired a split second to late. My teammate walked in front of me. My shot rocketed him from where he was standing. The shot woke John out of his stupor. I had no chance. I threw my rifle down and pulled my side arm out. I shot him maybe seven times. My whole clip. Hit every time. But it hit his arms. He ran straight into me and I was knocked skyward. He lifted his leg straight up, and when I came down, I landed on it, locking me up. Zero to One. We lost.

Thats not all of it, I have a few more pages written, about 9 or so, Just gimme some feedback will ya? Oh, and try to be nice…

Edit one: Paragraph Reformat.

Step 1: Write something that isn’t a Halo fanfic.

:confused: Touche. But still, I think I have something going. Any OTHER thoughts?

agreed with tim

I’m serious. Step 1 to writing something good is making it have an idea behind it. There isn’t a man alive who could write a Halo fanfic with any sort of literary value. You need to put some soul into it.

That’s to say, there’s nothing else wrong with it (well, aside from a whole host of grammatical errors and such). That alone makes it boring.

A Halo fanfic that appears to be about multiplayer?
Change the universe and give it SOME sort of tournament story or something and it might be alright (if you went about it right), but Halo multiplayer is boring enough to watch, much less read about. It’s too slow-paced for the story. It might make an interesting 1.5-2 minute video, but not a great story.
If you want, though, I’ll go through and highlight some of the errors and such, since that could give you something to work on in the future.

Edit: Tim, I might prove you wrong some day if I get bored. It will have literally nothing to do with any of the characters anyone is familiar with, but… it’d still take place in the Halo universe, thus still a Halo fanfic.

and its easy to make halo characters the covenant are drones to the prophets will, the humans are all pissants and you can make any spartan just call them insert generic name here otherwise known as Spartan 11#

I’ve been thinking of writing a Oneshot about Samus being conflicted to go to the GF to offer them her services (not what you think XD) Good idea? I can have something done in about a while. XD