The Roupak's Demise

Book ive thought of. Suggestions? Comments? First chapter :slight_smile:

Chapter 1 - First Encounter

The man, in his tattered, worn armor, looked back at the blood-red crags he had just traversed. He was searching for his comrades. When his drop-ship was shot down, they were all separated. He thought of the times he?d had with his platoon, both good and bad, but he also remembered his journey after their seperation?
??Sergeant Acturas!? he screamed over the loud static of the radio, 

do you copy? This is Mattias from your platoon. I?ve landed safely on the planet, thanks to my anti gravity emitters.?
Nothing but the monotonous ring of the radio answered.
?Sergeant, it is imperative that we find one another and the other squad members. If you can hear this, know that we?ve landed in the most dangerous area of the planet,? He relayed, ?Many Roupak roam the surrounding area. The vile bugs have already noticed our presence.?
The sound of falling stones alerted him to the canyon walls above him. Staring at him from a distance was one of the bloodthirsty Roupak. As it let out a rabid screech, Mattias reached for his rifle, but he was too late. The Roupak lept off the rock wall and pounced on Mattias. He screamed as one of the claws pierced his armor and dug deep into his left arm. The Roupak?s mouth was now open and closing in for the final blow. Mattias frantically looked around for something? anything that would thwart this horrid beast.
?The terror has driven me to forget about my most valuable weapon! My rifle,? he thought.
He gripped it in his right hand and heaved the heavy metal object up to point straight into the open mouth. He shoved it between it?s drooling jaws and cried, ?Eat lead, fiend!?
The Roupak was dead, and Mattias was saved. The only problems now were his wound and his comrades. They also had a mission, but Sergeant Acturas hadn?t time to explain it before the plane went down.?

–X--

He smiled as he thought of the six legged creature defeated. But, now he must be off. Three days had now passed from the ordeal to now, and the excitement of it was long gone. His punctured arm was getting worse and worse. The thin strip of cloth that he used to bandage the wound was not working. The poison in the Roupak?s claw would surely take him now.
?No!? he thought, ?I can?t let my hopes dampen! I?ve just got to find someone with some medicine.?
He turned his back on the previously traveled area with his hand on his arm to ease the pain. He stared blankly at the barren dunes of the desert.

Short.

Seems to be inspired by StarCraft, but I don’t hold that as bad at all (ever read the Bane Series?)

Description and such was lacking. For instance, look for times like when the Roupak pounced on Mattias, and he yelled at it. We were told that it was dead, but not how it died. Obviously, gunshots killed it, but how? Did bits of its brain paint the arid, crimson landscape? Did the gore splatter all over Mattias? What happened?

Keep working at it, and you will get better :sunglasses:

I am no master at writing, but I have improved a lot since I started writing seriously (in fact, I will likely post my most latent work here soon).

actually it was inspired by a game inspired by starcraft XD
:^_^:

Edit:

oh and by warhammer 40K… roupaks are basically tyranids but more ferocious.

Hmm, I know a bit about 40K. Let’s see…

I believe that’s spelled “Arcturas” like “Arcturus Mengsk” in StarCraft.

The rest of the dialogue sounded space marine-ish but this does not.

I second what MS said. It is too short and not very descriptive, at least not descriptive enough about the things that matter, like how the creature died. It feels lacking to me. But in any case, time and effort comes with improvement. Keep trying and you’ll get the hang of it.

there is an acturask in warhammer 40K…

buy battle for macragg >.>

and besides, he is only the leader of a platoon, not a whole rebel organisation. hell, hes not even a rebel…

Edit:

Chapter 2 - The Rescue in the Sand.
Sand beat at his face constantly. It seemed the desert was constantly against him, or that it was cursed. He could see naught but a few meters, and had no idea of where to go. The fact of the matter was that he was lost. What?s worse, he thought, is that I can?t find shelter anywhere. There was notb a shadow to be found among the desert, and the sun was constantly beating down on him. Also, his supply pack was depleting quickly. He had only enough water to last him another day, and his food was completely diminished.
Screeches from all around him notified him that the Roupaks had found where he was. He frantically reached for his rifle. Straining his eyes to see them, he could see nothing in the thick sandstorm. A roupak leapt at him from his left. He quickly made his muscles his servants and spun around. He tightened his finger around the metal trigger. Despair and grief flooded into him like rain floods a city. His magazine was empty! He used his last few bullets on the roupak that ambushed him when he was radioing for help. He braced himself for his demise, but as the claws moved in on him, he was astonished to hear rifle fire! Someone had saved him. Once again, the green blood of the roupak splattered and covered the ground and his face. 4 bullets from the machine gun had pierced the creature?s carapace. Instantly the other roupaks diverted their attention to the mysterious rescuer.
?Are you all right? It seems I?ve gotten here just in time.? declared a raspy voice.
Mattias answered, ?Of course I?m all right! Thanks to you, friend. I still don?t know who you are.?
?We?ll have to discuss that another time. I think those bugs mean business,? the voice said.
As the sandstorm started to clear, his eyes were open to the scene at hand. 3 roupaks were bounding down the desert toward a man. His head was wrapped in a black cloth, showing only his eyes. He wore leather clothing everywhere else. Cradled in his arms was the rifle he had used. It looked like it should have been in disrepair years ago.
Mattias diverted his attention back to the roupak and what would become of them. One after the other exploded with the loud roar of the strange man?s rifle until all that were left was 4 piles of green slime. Mattias was amazed that the man could muster such accuracy and speed at the same time. Being in the army, Mattias was trained with such skills, but he did not look for them in a hermit living in the desert!

Sorry, I never bought Macragge, or any other 40K model, because they are too damned expensive. I’m a story buff, not a game player. In any case, I didn’t know that Acturas was a name, but I don’t think it matters because it’s your characters, not mine.

You’re beginning to get those descriptive aspects, but it’s still just too damned short for a chapter. This plus your last one would equal a half a chapter at least.

Better.

But, the speech sounded a little strange. I mean, why would you talk in the middle of a firefight? The actual words used didn’t seem to flow either.

One last qualm I have, aside from length, is the term “bullets.” A marine wouldn’t think “bullets,” he’d think “cartridges” or something like “ammo.” Just sounds a little more authentic, given that the bullet is just the tiny thing spat out the end of a firearm.

what if i meshed these together?

oh, and the marine doesnt think of them as bullets, but the 3rd person omnitiant sees them as bullets :slight_smile:

The irritating sand beat at his face. It seemed the desert was constantly against him, or that it was cursed. He could see naught but a few meters, and had no idea of where to go. The fact of the matter was that he was lost. What?s worse, he thought, is that I can?t find shelter anywhere. There was not a shadow to be found among the desert, and the sun was constantly beating down on him. Also, his supply pack was depleting quickly. He had only enough water to last him another day, and his food was completely diminished.
Screeches from all around him notified him that the Roupaks had found where he was. He frantically reached for his rifle. Straining his eyes to see them, he could see nothing in the thick sandstorm. A roupak leapt at him from his left. He quickly made his muscles his servants and spun around. He tightened his finger around the metal trigger. Despair and grief flooded into him like rain floods a city. His magazine was empty! He used his last few bullets on the roupak that ambushed him when he was radioing for help. He braced himself for his demise, but as the claws moved in on him, he was astonished to hear rifle fire! Someone had saved him. Once again, the green blood of the roupak splattered and covered the ground and his face. 4 bullets from the machine gun had pierced the creature?s carapace. Instantly the other roupaks diverted their attention to the mysterious rescuer.
?Are you all right? It seems I?ve gotten here just in time.? declared a raspy voice.
Mattias answered, ?Of course I?m all right! Thanks to you, friend. I still don?t know who you are.?
?We?ll have to discuss that another time. I think those bugs mean business,? the voice said.
As the sandstorm started to clear, his eyes were open to the scene at hand. 3 roupaks were bounding down the desert toward a man. His head was wrapped in a black cloth, showing only his eyes. He wore leather clothing everywhere else. Cradled in his arms was the rifle he had used. It looked like it should have been in disrepair years ago.
Mattias diverted his attention back to the roupak and what would become of them. One after the other exploded with the loud roar of the strange man?s rifle until all that were left was 4 piles of green slime. Mattias was amazed that the man could muster such accuracy and speed at the same time. Being in the army, Mattias was trained with such skills, but he did not look for them in a hermit living in the desert!

–X--

As they walked towards where the man directed his house to be, there was much discussion.
?So, you say you?ve been living here for nine years?? asked Mattias.
He answered, ?Yes? that?s what I?ve said, is it not? Anyway, you were wondering who I was? My name is Marodin. It was nine years ago but I remember it like yesterday. Like you, I was in the army??
?Ah, so that?s how you gained your fine marksmanship!?
??Yes, yes? now let me finish. I was on a mission, so we were heading towards a planet when this??
He then tapped his foot against the sand.
??forsaken rock came into view. We decided to land, recover our strength, and make camp.
That night, I awoke to screams of my fellow soldiers. The roupak had arrived!
In a frantic attempt to rally those remaining, our platoon leader was killed. Those with enough sense left in them fled to the ship. I pled for them to wait for me, but they were too preoccupied with the ship to hear. I was stranded in this place to fend for myself. I had to fight the roupak all through the night, using the extra ammunition from my fallen comrades. The roupak eventually stopped, fearing for their lives. I still remained bewildered to this day as to the reason of the halt, but I used that time to the best, and found a place to take refuge in when they would come again.?
?That is indeed a sad story. Almost like mine, but we went through a nebula haphazard, and the energy bursts killed the engines, and that there are others stranded on this planet as well,? declared Mattias.
?Others, you say?? Marodin asked, ?Where are they? For we must find them quickly, indeed, if we are to save them.?
?That seems to be the problem. I can?t get a radio signal anywhere!? Mattias exclaimed.
?That is grim indeed, but I believe you will find them with a special item I?ve been saving,? said Marodin.
They were now among buttes sticking their peaks out above the dunes.
?My house is a cave in one of these buttes,? explained Marodin.
After walking a ways, they came to a rock larger then the rest. Marodin disappeared into the side, followed by Mattias.

God… the problem about this is that I have to write it by the end of today so i can turn it in for school. But, if I make it as long as a book, it would be way too long!

So, I’ve got to make a break in it somewhere, like when he finds his comrades or something.

Why would you need something like this for school? Hell if my school required a written story as part of homework I’d actually like it because it would give me more experience and push me to work harder.

You could end it dramatically, as if open to a sequel.

like

‘The roupak were closing in upon the two. Both of their clips were empty. They looked at eachother and realised that there were no means of escape.’

ta da! cliffhanger brought to you by yours truely, Hairy Pomegranate! :slight_smile:

EDIT

yeah, my teacher’s kind of a retard. first she treats us all like we’re in 2nd grade, then she says “write a story”

no instructions, no nothing… just story,

so, she gives almost no instructions, then if we dont do it just the way she wants, she says

“Next time follow directions!”

I swear to god every single one of my english teachers have only been retards…

I was expecting more of a “They had found one of Actaras’ comrades, but many more were still scattered about the planet’s barren surface. As the trio looked out into the distance they saw the menacing sun begin to set on the horizon, bringing with it night, the hunting time for Roupaks.”

Good try though, lol.

Heh, I’m only hoping that my teacher will ask us to write a story, so that I can turn in an excerpt from what I’m writing. The theme of “taking the law into your own hands” may be a bit much for my teacher, though. Then again, I could just omit chapters twenty through twenty three, and just magically end up with our hero saving the day.

On topic- I’ve been writing my story for about a week, and I just have ten pages done, (oddly, I started writing chaper twenty, then started chapter one) with two of those ten requiring revision. My point is, this stuff takes time. Good luck getting it done, and done well.

The flashback seemed a little vague. At first, I thought it was happening to Mattias. Keep writing, and try not to let the teacher hear your thoughts about her :confused:

Ironically, most people in the American Armed Forces today are mediocre shots. The officers in the Army don’t wear their Marksmanship badges often because of their own poor scores.

Lol, MS do you think my teacher would enjoy my DOOM story? Lol, LUDICROUS GIBS!

next “chapter” in the saga…

Chapter 4 - Marodin’s Hovel

if you’ll notice i used gold leaders idea for the hunting by night :slight_smile:

btw, invision doesnt show tabs, so thats why it isnt indented…

Once inside Mattias declared, ?That entrance is hardly noticible! I had thought that you had disappeared, until I saw the door myself.
He looked back at the round rock covering the exit now, the ?door? of Marodin?s hovel. After shut, Marodin lit some candles.
?Where do you get the wax to make such things,? Mattias asked, pointing to the candles.
Marodin answered, ?Well, it sounds unusual, but you can actually scrape wax off of Roupak carapace. In fact, when I?m low, I go roupak hunting.?
?What about food?? Mattias once again inquired.
?Well, from what is given to me from nature. Sometimes I even have to eat roupaks themselves,? Marodin once again answered.
?So, you rely on roupaks for a lot of things I take it? What other things to you use them for? I can?t imagine much else,? Mattias said.
?All kinds of things! Clothing, knives, you name it, Roupak can usually do the trick!? he exclaimed.
?That?s interesting. Now, back to what you were going to show me. You said it was a special item you had been saving.? Mattias recalled.
Marodin chuckled, ?Yes, I?ve forgotten myself. You see, it?s been 9 years since I?ve had any contact with humans. Speech can get rusty, and the mind becomes forgetful. You see, I?ve been saving these for when the need arose, but I?ve only had to use them for special occasions, like while hunting roupak at night.??
He then reached for a drawer in the stone wall, and pulled out a peculiar item.

??These, my friend, are a little something I ?borrowed? from the ship I arrived here in before I was separated from it. They are a pair of heat seeking goggles. They help finding heat signals that living creatures, like your comrades, give off. The greatest problem with this, though, is that the heat from the desert is also absorbed into them, making it harder to pick out living things during the day. We must search by night, the hunting time for the Roupaks!?

See? My suggestions aren’t that bad :smiley:

Ok, chapters are still short but the story is developing nicely.

Not bad, as GL said.

You did this some, but try to use synonyms for “said” and its ilk. Also, try to put the phrase indicating who is talking in different locations in the dialogue, with some in the beginning, middle, and end of it.

GL- I haven’t read your story yet, but I intend to. That said, the mere subject matter of DOOM would probably give most of the teachers I know a heart attack.

also, ive noted that mattias has poison in his body, but ive been forgeting to interject stinging pains, and all about the treatment of it.

It was funny because i started thinking about the poison, and who could treat it, so thats when Marodin came into existance, yet i forget all about the crude purpose of the character, and get into his head, what his story is, and all that stuff =)

MS - I fine your comment strange. Most teachers in my school proabbly don’t even know what DooM is… But once they saw the back of my fake “novel cover” (with the basic premise) they’d probably have a stroke (ironically I’m in a Catholic Highschool. They’d probably say I was possesed :stuck_out_tongue:)

Hairy - Yeah, I forgot to mention that in the last post :sweat: BTW, you said you needed to hand it in? Tell me how it goes.

final copy is due sometime next week… i think she said wednesday >.>;

also, i need a title for what ive just showed u… the original title was the roupak’s demise, for at the end of the books the roupaks would be destroyed.

my teacher also said i cant have the --X-- for time skips, so i guess i’ll just delete them…

Ok, Hairy, here’s my advice. You can use it or dispose of it as you wish.

Ok, for the title, you’re writing about 40K, and its not like your story is hiding that, so do what the actual writers of 40K novels do: Start it with the heading “Warhammer 40,00”, add a colon, and then something like “The Something” or maybe even something all cliched like “A Noble Crusade” or anything to the effect of that. But being an author, you are responsible for your creative work, so I can’t make you do anything.

–X-- for skips? Yeah, bad idea. Use double space in between time skips and triple spaces between chapters. That’s what I did with DooM: Bravo because many of the novels I have read follow that format.