Fall and rise of the general

Some time ago, i was quite interested in weavel. Since he was supposedly in the original metroid, but never showed up in the game, i always wanted to know what happened, and how it did. So i’ve taken the liberty to write his story. Inspired by Dazzy’s pirate chronicles, it’s well planned out, so if you dont enjoy it, i havent done my job. Read on.

Planet Zebes-Brinstar

Chapter 1-Weavel

Weavel watched the cave entrance intently, not bothered by the constant water droplets dripping on his carpace. They had been waiting for 2 hours now. The second squad of GF troopers would be arriving soon. Based on intelligence reports, his squad was outnumbered 2 to 1. He gripped his battlehammer tightly. Some of the younger pirates snickered behind him. They all had the latest, Galvanic accelerator cannons. He didn’t care, the trusty battlehammer had been his weapon since he was manning the turrets. He glanced back. He was in the first row, the most experience pirates, behind a short wall of crates for defense, but directly in the line of fire. Behind him was another group of less seasoned pirates, with similar defenses. Up behind him, on a high wall, was a group of young pirates, to provide cover fire. Further back were the youngest pirates, manning the turrets. He chuckled silently. Mabye they would live to see tommorow. He had been there at a time. Now, he was a rank below general, and was one of the most experienced on the battlefield. But none had his skill. The battlehammer, powerful, an old fashioned weapon, was crude and difficult to aim. Non had his skill, and he took down enemies faster than any with the latest weapons. He wasnt too worried about the impending battle witht he GF. He was more worried about the one of the younger pirates. Vargas, a rising star of the younger crop. He had quickly advanced to equal Weavels rank, despite his age. However, he knew, and weavel knew, that one of them, and only one of them would be promoted to general. And Vargas wouldn’t hesitate to kill to attain that rank.

Chapter 2-The enemy

A pebble clanked clanked the back of weavels chitin skull.
“How are you feeling old one??”
“Shut up Vargas” Weavel replied without turning around. He had no intentions of arguing with the bastard at the moment. They had work to do.

Clank, Clank. The echoes of metallic footsteps were approaching the entrance of the cave. They knew it couldnt be something else, they had made sure to clear the area of local wildlife.
“Ready your weapon!!” Weavel yelled to the younger pirates in the 3rd row, who were occupied messing with the remains of a dead shriekbat.
“Fools” he muttered.
The glint of GF armor was already visible in the entrance. They were here.
“Open fire!!” Weavel yelled, as the first squad of troopers entered.

Meh. I didnt have time to read it, but tell me what you think. This starts at the time when the GF attempted to retake Zebes from the space pirates before the original metroid.

So this is before Samus destroyed Weavel’s body? Pretty nice!

Well, there are a few format problems. Those are way too short to be chapters. Combine them into one and triple or quadruple it in size to get maybe a somewhat short chapter. There should be more of a separation between the story and your comments at the bottom, since it’s hard to tell if that’s just another paragraph. The first paragraph, or chapter <__<, should be chopped up into maybe 5 smaller paragraphs to make more of a logical sequence than a giant wall of text. There are also some capitalization and punctuation errors, especially with quotes.

Other than format errors, it seems to lack sentence fluency, description, and detail, but I’m not much of an expert there. Just try not to start sentences with “he” over and over, combine sentences that sound funny separate, separate sentences that sound funny together, bring your story to life by giving us a detailed description of exactly what the area looks like, etc.

I mean, it doesn’t really say where they are. They’re looking out of a cave apparently, but they’re standing on different walls. Are they guarding a fortress inside a cave? Are they actually standing outside looking into the cave? Is it snowing or raining, or are they on a giant mechanical planet? What size is the cave entrance, a tiny 1 by 1 hole in the ground? It’s pretty vague.

Sorry if this is harsh, but… It does need some work.

Ah, i see. I should have proofread it before posting it, but the period was almost over. Nonetheless, here is chapter three.

Chapter 3-the confrontation

Weavel poised his battlehammer, and began firing. While his battlehammer was crude, and slow, compared to the Galvanic accelerator cannons wielded by his bretheren, it was far more powerful with a larger blast radious. The Troopers didnt know what hit them as they entered the large cave. As large as they were in numbers, they took heavy damage upon entry. The pirates position had been planned perfectly, seeing as how the shorter range weapons had been closer to the entrance, on a lower elevation, while further and more accurate weapons higher up the wall. It was a deadly combination. After taking some damage, the GF troopers dispersed throughout the large circular cave. With many stallagemites and stallactites, there was sufficient cover on their side of the room.
“Take a defensive stance!!!” Weavel yelled over the fire coming from his commrades. Many of the more seasoned pirates began shifting their positions in the behind the blockade. They were on time, as the GF soldiers finally managed to coordinate their fire. Their energized bullets could fire in much longer bursts than those of the pirates,and even with their losses, still outnumbered them. Weavel ducked down behind the blockade for cover, but some of his fellow warriors werent fast enough. The concentration of several streams of rapid bullets on several pirates pierced their carapace and killed them instantly. Weavel scowled and jumped up to the ceiling, and hung from a low stalagmite. At his elevation, he could see most of the GF’s positions. Vargas, who was in the row behind weavel, didnt seem to have much of a strategy at all. Or at least, not a good one. He was running rapidly across the open center of the room (which the pirates cleared of obstacles before the battle), and firing upon a close group of GF. His shots met with stalagmites rather than GF armor. If not for his speed, he would have been slewn. Weavel wanted to laugh, if it had not been for the dire situation. He began raining fire from his battlehammer down on the troopers directly below. The shots were powerful enough to blast through the GF’s defenses, and he managed to take a couple of them down before he was returned fire. 3 troopers began firing directly at the stalagtite he was hanging from. Weavel cursed as it began cracking, and looked for another attack position. Then, he noticed a number of stalagtites hanging from the ceiling a couple yards away, directly above the GF firing at him. He took aim, and fired a couple weak shots at them. He got the desired effect. The force of the hammer caused them to fall from the ceiling, upon the hapless GF. He took about several, and injured several more. “Damn you!!!” Vargas yelled. Weavel turned, and realized that he was the one being yelled at. Weavel barely had time to drop from the stalagtite before Vargas’s fire destroyed it. As he landed, he glared into his rivals eyes, and a duel would have ensued, if it not for the remaining GF. They grouped into a small cluster of 7, and began concentrating fire on the open pirates, the most open of which, being weavel. He cursed loudly as several bullets collided with his shell. The younger pirates in the turrets however, took this as their time to shine. The small cluster of troopers was an easy target for the 2 turrets, and within seconds, the GF were finished. Weavel gasped, and cluched his chest in pain. He hadnt taken a lethal ammount of fire,and would probably be okay. Vargas scowled “Bastard, they had you killed, i just hope you can survive the next time around”. He silenced his weapon, and stormed off. Weavel looked around, assesing, their losses. They had only lost a few pirates, 6 to based on weavels rough estimate. Not every battle would be one so easily, and the GF would probably be back.

Chapter 4-The general

He regrouped the remaining platoon of 14 at a small facility in a room deeper in Zebes. Kraid would be anxious to hear the results of the confrontation, if any. “Lets get this place running” Weavel ordered. No one dissagreed. The pirates worked efficiently, punching in commands in the control panels to contact the green beast. Vargas was leaning against a metal wall adjacent to the small facility, “No doubt sulking, because I’m more efficient than he is” weavel mused. He then nelt before a hollow panel, where a projection of the green beast soon emerged.
“Identify yourself, and your report” Kraid boomed
"Battle report, unit 635," Weavel said obediently. Our defense of outpost 7 in upper brinstar was a success. The GF were completely erradicated, and some of their weapons salvaged.
“Very well, General.” Kraid replyed lightly.
"…Erm, im sorry sir, i dont copy." a startled weavel replied.
“Command has decided to issue you the rank of general” The reptile informed. You seem to be very effective at controlling small platoons, and are an invaluable part of brinstar’s defensed.
Many of weavels comrades were surrounding the hollogram by now, chittering eagerly about the his new status.
“Thank you great one.” said the honored general.
“You will be recieving reinforcements when we recieve word of another GF strike, until then, may you all rest well.” The satisfied beast said. "And with that, return to your quarters for rest."
Not a moment after the holloscreen flickered off, was there a great clamor among the pirates. They were all asking somebody something, whether it be weavel, or another veteran.
Vargas strolled over, causually, attempting to get some of the news.
“Guess what Vargas??” said a young pirate. “I bet you dont know who’s ass you’ll be kissing for the next couple months.”
“Escuse me you petulant littl…”
“Silence!!!” The newly appointed general shouted. “All units, return to your quaters for rest. I will address you in 2 cycles.”
"Wha…What…the hel…"Vargas stuttered.
"Yes soldier, im general, so shut the hell up and do as i say."Weavel replied smuggly.
“Bastard…how did you…” Vargas muttered under his breat, before storming away. Once order had been restored, Weavel marched his platoon a half mile to a building in the wall. It was the building in which all military support for this section of brinstar was being run. And now, he was in control of it. No sooner than once all the pirates had gone to their quaters, weavel went to his new living quaters. It was a 10x 10 room, with comfortable furnichure, a bed, and a direct link to command, in other words, kraid. He could finally lay power down his weapon, and get some rest.

*Due to time constraints, theres a limit to how long the chapters can be (i could make them longer, but i always have band practice or homework). I tried to add more in depth detail this time around, and shape the characters a bit more.

Ok… I think I know what’s going on. Will have to wait for confirmation though. I’m starting to find all of those discrepancies and grammatical errors Troid was mentioning, but overall your last two chapters were a great improvement over your first two.

Yes. I could have made the first 2 alot better (as i had envisioned them in the shower) if i hadnt written them at school. We only have 55 minute periods, and i was juggling my schoolwork, and the fanfic. Regardless, i’ll try to make the next two chapters superior to the last.